Acceptance Can Be A Part of Growth and Healing
It was a gloomy Wednesday morning as my patient walked into the waiting room. I first met him at the large HMO I used to work for in the department of Infectious Disease where I managed his primary care and HIV care needs. He called to schedule an appointment to discuss what I might be able to offer him. In the right hand he held a packet of papers for my review and in the left hand he held a jar of wild honey brought to him from a cousin in Mexico. This was a great start to a visit as I consider honey to be a nectar of the gods!
We sat in my butterfly exam room as he unfolded his papers while sharing stories of his life. The forms were the consent form for clinical trials for antiretroviral therapies. I was a former sub-investigator for these clinical trials in infectious disease which provided me some familiarity with the process. He wanted my thoughts on this and I affirmed the potential benefit for him and the community. I also reiterated his choice and the importance of listening to his intuition.
He then began sharing his story with HIV. As many of my patients who have lived with HIV for decades, he lost many friends and partners. It can be a lonely existence. What he shared next left me profoundly impacted by his wisdom and strength. He was in his 20’s when he was given a diagnosis of HIV and what was a death sentence for many at that time in history. He had come from Mexico and worked in the garment district of Los Angeles, California. I often speak to my patients of how California was Mexico and how we stand on stolen land. Acknowledging the First Nations and the land to the South is a beautiful way to weave respect into health care and discussions of where we may be from.
He wove a tale of his life with HIV. He called it a “bichito” which can be translated into “little insect”. He spoke to his body and the HIV within and communicated with himself and the virus. He acknowledged the HIV and informed it that he accepted it into his body. He then set boundaries and claimed that he would accept it, but that HIV would not kill him as they would coexist together. As he shared this with me, I felt the reverence of being in the presence of a powerful being. He has learned how to accept while also survive and thrive. What did I learn from this? I re-learned that my patients are some of my greatest teachers and if I listen long enough, they share the great mysteries of the universe with me. They are brilliant beings who grace me with their presence. So, when I am finding myself struggling with a health concern, entrepreneurial challenges and learning how to deal with being the owner of LALIM Health Direct Primary Care, I pause and take a breath. I then tell myself, “ok little insect, we are going to coexist in peace and I accept you”. It is not my intent to minimize the agony and stigma of living with HIV but rather highlight how I can learn from the coping strategies of those who do.
I am accepting who I am and the bumpy road of learning a dramatically new way of life. Life is messy and my experience of entrepreneurship has been a steep learning curve. I now bring myself grace, peace and coexistence with acceptance and allowing with less expectations. And this is bringing me both mental and physical health improvements!
