Slow is Fast
While doing a life review, I am finding that there has been a lot of rushing. I have often felt behind and like I did not have enough time. “Missing something” has been a nagging fear that has kept me pushing beyond what I should have. The only way I could sustainably do this was to dissociate from my body and keep going. The consequences were major to my health and well-being. Taking a step back has been profound. Growing my DPC practice slowly has allotted me the room to heal. The one healing modality I never let go of was my therapy sessions. While these sessions have been challenging, I have had profound change. The journey within is the most important travel of my life. Were it not for the time alone in my office, there would not have been discoveries of what I fear and why. Taking that leap of faith to leave corporate medicine and open my own doors helped me dig deeper and deeper into my inner psyche. And in that, I have learned that slow is fast. Do I really need to get it all done now? Do I really need to understand all today or tomorrow? No! What I do need is to take that next step and that next breath.
The day after I turned 50 in 2024, I felt a connection to nature unlike ever before. The trees swayed and spoke to me. They told a tale of us all belonging and being of equal value. This year, the universe granted me the gift of peace and understanding for my 51st birthday. My job is to show up and allow and the universe does always conspire in our favor. It does not mean I will not feel stress nor rushed but that has dramatically improved.
As I write this, I have a beeping machine in the lab telling me it needs maintenance. Well, I am maintenance so that means I will be figuring it out! And while this is a daunting task that use to send me into a cold plunge of anxiety, I now sit with a mild discomfort and chuckle to myself-“well we will figure it out one way or the other.” I know that getting things done quickly is not always my goal. Just focusing on my breath and the idea that I am a human being rather a human doing is ever present. Is the turtle less valuable than the cheetah? Of course not? So, my slow self is just as valuable as my fast self (which seems to be less available these days). Getting things done is still happening but perhaps differently than expected. I have spent a great deal of time learning how to manage the expectations of others and now I am doing this for myself.
I ask myself, “In 5 years will it matter if I took extra time on this?” The answer is oftentimes no. And so, begins my new era of slowness and acceptance of my speed. This also has translated into more relaxed patient visits and conversations with less triggers and misunderstandings. It turns out the turtles and sloths are on to something here! Let us all take a deep breath, sit with the beauty of our souls and breath into the collective consciousness of love. Ah yes, a beautiful slow moment indeed!
All’s I can say is, “It will be much better when you’re able to retire from this rat race.” Best think I ever did. I left a year earlier than I had planned but am a widower with guardianship of a mentally handicapped son. Actually, he’s not a problem to care for and we have fun together.
I love how healing DPC can be, for ourselves as well as for our patients.