Finding My Voice by Losing it: when silence becomes a teacher

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The symptoms began on a cold night and carried into the next day. I assumed it would take only a couple of days to recover. Having lived with asthma and dysphonia from inhaled steroids, a bit of hoarseness didn’t seem unusual. Then—suddenly—I woke up with no voice at all.

My first thought was disbelief. How was I supposed to provide care or hold visits without the ability to speak? I reframed the moment gently to myself: Perhaps the universe is teaching me to listen. I continued to support my patients through texting and email, even as my fatigue deepened.

For years, I have expressed gratitude for my body and for the many ways it allows me to care for others. Yet I realized I had never thanked my throat or my voice—the very tools that allow me to communicate, educate, and comfort my patients. During meditation, my body made this omission clear. I also became aware of a lingering sense of shame around my voice, often raspy from chronic asthma. Losing it entirely brought forward a familiar feeling of helplessness—one that has echoed at different points in my life.

Rather than suppressing that memory or fear, I allowed myself to sit with it. In doing so, I reminded myself of something essential: I have choice and agency. I am no longer helpless. I am empowered. I have made courageous decisions, including opening my own direct primary care practice in August of 2023.

Over the next five days, my body rested as I leaned into the lesson. I chose to honor my voice and listen inward. I realized that I deeply love my work—and I love my body and mind as well. It is through my voice, raspy though it may be, that I educate, reassure, and advocate for my patients time and again.

I allowed gratitude to guide my healing and let my voice teach me. I love the way I sound, the laughter that rises from my vocal cords, the gentle words I offer, the songs I sing to myself, and the attentive listening I provide in return. When illness asks us to pause, it can also invite us into gratitude.

An unexpected gift of those five days with laryngitis was the outpouring of kindness from my patients. They met me with understanding, respect, patience, and even humor. My voice has returned—now appreciated, honored, and loved, as it continues to send love out into the world. I am grateful for the privilege of this voice and use it to speak truth and amplify those who are not always heard. And that is a lasting blessing indeed. 

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About April Soto, MD

April Soto was born and raised in Guatemala to Puerto Rican Missionaries. She came to the US to attend university and medical school at University of California San Francisco. She completed her residency in Family Medicine at White Memorial Hospital in Los Angeles, Ca , a 1-year Fellowship in HIV Medicine at Los Angeles County-University of California, 2-year fellowship in Integrative Medicine through Academy of Integrative Health and Medicine in San Diego, Ca. She worked at Kaiser Permanent for 13.5 years in Family Medicine, Infectious Diseases, Family Medicine Surgical Services and served as the Wellness Champion for the Family Medicine Residents. Dr Soto is also trained in psychedelic services and offers Ketamine, Breathwork and Biofield Medicine/Energy Healing services for patients with mental health concerns. She enjoys complementing western medicine along with addressing the physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional needs of her patients as well. She meditates daily and enjoys time in nature. Boogie boarding alongside the surfers brings her great joy! She lives in Los Angeles, Ca with her beloved husband Chris.